Even the purest things are muddied.

new

2008-10-20T23:13:23Z

http://almosttainted.livejournal.com/

Stained Glass Masquerade

2008-10-12T17:33:34Z

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

---
I feel like most have already walked away.
Either that or they just don't know and again,
I've built up a wall again.

Question, question.

2008-08-11T22:33:24Z

So, I've put a finger on my greatest weakness...
I'm scared of placing myself in positions that make me vulnerable, weak, and "the lower person."
Scared of allowing my self-esteem drop even lower than it already was.
Because of that -
Suddenly I'm scared of being a relationship, being emotionally attached to anyone - even God sometimes. That idea of surrending every bit of me to someone so great scared the crap out of me. The idea of ever having to give myself to someone scares me. The idea of being weak, broken... I'm too strong headed, or maybe it's too jaded... to do it.

So, in this case, what do I do?

Sorry I've become so constant in updating so frequently...and being incredibly emotional...

Lost

2008-05-10T04:10:37Z

seriously.
seriously.
i'm lost.
i don't know what im doing.

Ainsley says.

2008-04-30T09:12:46Z

Ainsley says...
she is done complaining
she is done being weak
she is done being sad
she is done being walked all over
she is done living her life for someone else
she is done caring what other people think
she is done being self-conscious
she is done beating herself done
she is done falling behind
she is done caring - period.

but

Ainsley does...
just the opposite.

This is how I feel.

2008-04-29T07:22:48Z

a;lskdjfl;ajsfl;kjasl;kdfjl;aksjdfl;kajsl;dfkjal;skdjflka;sjdflk;ajsdf

the end.

haha...great

2008-03-09T20:12:20Z

no worries
no regrets.

Insecurities.

2008-03-05T07:28:56Z

Sometimes I feel...
-impossible
-difficult to be understood
-unlovable
-skin-deep
-unintelligent
-distant
-narrow-minded
-too conservative
-easily influenced
-lonely
-needing reassurance
-low
-confused
-lost

Mm. I feel a number of those things right now.
God, where are you?

Loss of Beauty

2008-03-01T05:24:20Z

When you hear a song, see a piece of artwork, read an amazing novel, watch a ballet, take a picture...what do you think? Do you take it for what you see or do you imagine what the person was feeling? Think about the beauty of his or her vulnerability behind it all? The willingness to expose? The courage to be honest, truthful...? Mm.

Invisible Children

2008-02-27T07:23:38Z

I finally watched the video.
This is the result of my thoughts, emotions...etc. etc.

Pitter Patter Thinking

2008-01-25T00:46:35Z

When it rains, the grounds reflect the lights as muddled designs, and perfect shapes become streaks or drops of food coloring in the puddles. The leaves then are scattered in inconsistent patterns and gathered in figures all over the sidewalks. The air is crisp and the water droplets feel so refreshing as they roll down my nose. A slight breeze caresses my face, and I am content. As it seems, I've always been one to think too much, to care too much, to observe too much, and to love too much; yet, on a rainy day, I find it all to be alright to do. Embracing and noticing the little things in life, not only on a rainy day, makes the bigger picture so much more beautiful and so much more fulfilling. Instead of tasting the bitterness of coffee before cream and sugar, smell the rich bold aroma and feel the warmth of noise surrounding you as you sit in the coffee shop. That cup of chocolatey brown doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it? Mm, hand me a cup of rainy day, please - it's time to live my life.

there's a boy. now what?

2008-01-22T07:52:25Z

cooked dinner.
movie.
held hands.
walked home.

now what?

wow...my livejournal died...

2008-01-05T07:47:49Z

I missed livejournal! wow, I haven't written in it in a while!

Last day

2006-09-24T00:17:21Z

Hong Kong & Taiwan!!
It rained almost everyday!
Both planes were delayed - waited an extra 2 hours each time.
Took those wonderful studio pictures.
Came back from Taiwan on Tuesday.
Surprisingly lost weight instead of gained - unhealthy! :[
Jetlag lasted 1 day/night.
Had IHOP for breakfast 2 days in a row.
Caramel Banana French Toast is <3
Coffee and orange juice first thing in the morning :]
Irvine is completely empty and boring - no one's around.
I've become obsessed with Jay Chou's new CD.
My driving has become rather rusty again, so stay away from the Irvinian streets.
I went to NHS yesterday and it was weird parking in the visitor spot
I am now an "ex-senior" as Ms. Teverbaugh called me.
No more parking in the spot next to the boy I used to like. (Not Gerasin)
My mom claims that a Christian sorority would be just an excuse for me to party,
so rushing any sororities is a no-no, I guess.
I think I'll be going to the Newsong Church in LA with Henry
and joining either Intervarsity or this other one that I forgot.
Not ready for my dance or orchestra auditions.
Dance teacher says I need to find an alter-ego - how interesting.
Printed over 100 pictures to put up on my dorm walls.
Nervous about meeting my roommates cause only 1 replied to my email.
I'll be coming home probably next weekend cause mom and dad said so.
Going on a LONGGGGG hike for my SEM 19 Geology course Oct. 7th!
Off to UCLA tomorrow morning - very excited about moving in!

haha, a very detailed entry. :]
oh, excitement excitement!
OH and...
allison's mom told me,
"confidence is winning half the battle!" so keep that in mind :D